The Upside of Masks

 

Actually, I only see one upside of mask wearing other than the socially accepted health-related one, and I will get to that in a moment.  For now, I just have to confess that I suffer from "mask feeling of suffocation".  Someone please think of a simple one word or perhaps a short phrase for that other than "mask induced anxiety", which sounds overly dramatic. "Maskuffocation"?  It is a real thing.  I would never be able to work a job for which mask wearing is mandated. Good thing I am retired. Seriously... only now, after months of practicing in my living room, can I wear a mask long enough to make a run to the grocery store, and even then, I sometimes can't make it all the way through and have to find an empty aisle somewhere so that I can drop the mask for a second and actually breathe before I pass out.  I know.  Weird, right?  (I dare you to tell me that it is all in my head.) Probably should also mention that in addition to increases in my anxiety level, masks also contribute to unappealing feelings of anger, but that is an entirely different issue altogether and may be more complex than I am willing to think about at this time.

There is one thing, and one thing only, however, that I love about masks and that is that I simply cannot understand one word that a politician says when masked. It's perfect really.  I am totally fascinated by how the mask moves up and down and in and out while muffling, muting and blurring every single sound.  Bizarre.  It is difficult though, and I don't find it in the least amusing, when someone, a normal person, is talking directly to me and I can't make out what they are saying. I fear that he or she will be offended by my blank look, but then I remember that they can't really see my face anyway. I think that I am a bit of a lip reader actually + facial expressions offer clues to a lot that isn't actually said. The masked world is difficult for me. I am thinking that I am not alone in this.

The worst thing is though that I don't recognize people from the eyes up -- especially if they have a hat on or heaven forbid -- a hat and sunglasses.  Then add to that that their voices are totally distorted and muffled; it is a wonder that we don't lose all our friends. I find it rather amazing that people tend to recognize me.  Some have told me that it is my hair which is the giveaway. I am not sure that is a good thing.  I have decided that they are referring to the whiteness rather than the fact that I never comb it.  Hey... we all kid ourselves about something...sometimes more than one thing. It's okay.

Anyway -- back to the masks because I know someone will suggest that I wear a scarf. I tried wearing a couple different types of scarves including bandanas, one was even like the ones that Howdy Doody always wore, which I thought would be great because I secretly have always wanted to be a cowgirl, but all types of scarves sucked into my mouth in what I found to be a rather impressive way. I do breathe when I walk.  I think that is because when I put on a mask or a scarf, I breathe with my mouth open so that I don't suffocate.  When a scarf gets sucked into a person's mouth, not only is it scary for small children to see... and most unattractive... but for me... it is suffocation in process... or choking.... It's all very complicated.  I stay home a lot.

The thing is I have this feeling that when we get to the end of this pandemic, some expert is going to tell us, like they did at the beginning, that masks are not really a good thing or that they matter not at all... or... the worst-case scenario... that they contributed to the spread of all sorts of unhealthy things. Have you seen how dirty and gross some masks are?  For now - if it makes people feel better, I will wear a mask.  I just won't wear it for a long period of time.  In the meantime, if you see me passed out on the floor at Walmart, you will know why.  I will be the one with the messy, startlingly white hair. The one who can't breathe. And... by the way... I would never tell you that you have to wear a mask... or try to shame you into it. Nope... not ever.  Just sayin'. Also -- you will never see me with a mask hanging off one of my ears. Again - nope... not ever.  Just not my thing.